Blog Break

I have loved having this spot to share my feelings and hope that it has helped someone to not feel alone in similar struggles, but I will be taking a break for a while. Thank you for all of the support, feedback and love. Maybe I will return in a while, maybe this is a portion of my life that I will be closing the door on, time will tell.

Mrs. S

Pregnancy, Babies, Choices, Wishes

When I wrote about my surgery I said that my body was fine and healthy and strong and that I had secret feelings on that subject that I might share at another time.  Well it has been on my mind a lot in the last few days and I decided to share those secret feelings.

Let me begin by saying that I have dear friends who struggle to become pregnant, live with infertility, are hoping to adopt, as well as friend who have a whole brood of babies and everything in between and I have no intention of taking any of those struggles or decisions lightly or to look down on any one in any circumstance, I have the utmost respect for all of these women, but I live in a different world-a more lonely world.

My heart sank when, after surgery, they told me everything was clear and everything should be fine.  Husband and I had both been secretly hoping and praying that something would be very wrong and that I would never be able to have children.  I know that that sounds terrible to everyone but that is where my different world comes in.

I love children-I struggle with teenagers- but completely adore babies and children. Husband could be a really good dad and I could very possibly be a really good mom.  But unlike a lot of women, being a mom was never high on my priority list, and even though every now and then I really want to be pregnant, the thought usually just makes me really uncomfortable.  We chose not to have children right away when we got married and that is a decision that has had the most profound impact on our lives of any decision we have made as a couple.

As a result of that decision, I went on hormonal birth control that was the spark that ignited the depression powder keg that my genetics and life had bestowed upon me. It has been just over two years since I stopped all forms of hormonal birth control (all my praise to the copper IUD!) and I am beginning to get my life back.  I have spent a lot of time talking about my journey into the world of severe depression but never of the time when I didn't have good birth control in between quitting the hormones and getting my IUD. It took quite a few months before I got the IUD and they were some of the scariest of my life. In that time I had to come to the very stark realization that I COULD NOT GET PREGNANT for my safety and for the safety of the child.  I was more unstable that you could possibly understand-those terrible stories you hear of moms snapping and drowning all their kids in the tub- that would be me.

I spent two years accepting the fact that being pregnant could very possibly be the worst thing that could happen in our lives. Then I actually started to get better, which leaves me where I am now.  SCARED OUT OF MY FREAKING MIND!!! 

I belong to a church where the family is central. Unfortunately, the culture tends to focus on babies as the family not the two of you as a couple, so not having kids puts us in a weird place. If I had something medically wrong that meant we were infertile, i could be part of a different sector of supportive couples and families. But what if i am not broken but choose to never try to get pregnant because i am scared of the effect the drastic hormone changes would have on my brain.  Depression isn't really accepted as a good reason for not having a baby and I would never belong anywhere.

Everyone knows someone who has depression and getting pregnant made it better-believe me I have heard stories every time I turn around. But do you have any concept of what a huge gamble that is?  I would be literally betting with my life and the life of my unborn child.  That seems like a price that is just a little too steep for me.

So that leaves me here alone in my own world. I realize that there are lots of options for having a child without being pregnant, but if my body isn't broken, I will never belong with anyone. I will be a chicken to those who have had children, and spoiled/ungrateful to those who can't have children. And that is why I am sitting here hoping that since my ovarian cysts came back a month after having them surgically removed and are painful, that something is actually wrong that will render me infertile, and why Husband and I pray for it. I know that it shouldn't matter what other people think and it is our decision and that  maybe one day I will change my mind, and maybe there are miracles, and maybe I am just ungrateful, but for now the risk and the fear is just too great and I wish I was broken.

Feeling Useless

Which is really sad because it was actually a really good week. It is probably just blahs from doing nothing all day (no, we didn't even go to church-that is just the kind of bad people we are). Oh well, hopefully it will pass and next week will be even better than last.

Love my new job, and I love even more that I have been able to become friends with an old friend again in the last few months. Maybe I should invite her over for dinner. It would give me something to do.......

THIS is why you get a baby first.

 Little Brother called Our Dad last night, I happened to be downstairs watching TV and overheard him telling Dad how he doesn't know how much longer he can stand it here.  Since he was on MY cell phone(he has his own track phone but no job so he can't buy new minutes for it) I decided it was fair to listen to the rest of the conversation.

He went on to tell Dad how bad it is to live here, how we are unreasonable and rude and bad people. (The kicker for me was when he said how bad my depression is for him"she says she is getting better but I guess I just have to take her word, it makes it so hard for me" He doesn't have a clue. I have been better than ever in the last 6 months)

He apparently has 2 new home offers (from moms with teenagers-who somehow take his word as complete truth) Which means he has been telling people who have never even met us how awful we are.

Guess I missed the memo where asking a 17yr old to get a job so he could drive and date made me a bad person.

After have a teenager I have pretty solidly decided to never have children.  I never want another teenager. 

Sure babies are cute and cuddly and make you forget how tired and frustrated you are because they are just so stinking adorable, but it is all a trick.  It has to be that way so that you are already permanently attached when they become teenagers so you can resist the urge to strangle them in their sleep. Puppies on the other hand, stay like cute and cuddly and naughty 2 year olds forever. 

I am gonna stick with dogs.

After Surgery

I am not doing good.

My body is healing fine and that is what most people want to know.  2 cysts are taken out (you can find details on my family life blog) and I am stitched up and healing.
(maybe one day I will write here about my honest feelings on being healthy and fine now that the cysts are gone but today isn't the day.)
I am starting to have some strength back in my abdomen. I can sit up and move without splinting my stomach for the most part which is a huge improvement over a week ago and while I still have really uncomfortable, not really painful but still not good, sensations across my lower abdomen, they aren't constant and they are more annoying than painful.

But my brain is bad.

First off, I have had some good days or at least pieces of days this week, and I am no where near the bad places I have been. but all of this stuff is still packed in and crashing around in my brain causing problems so I am deciding to let some of it out. 

I spent almost a full week in my bed. It was too uncomfortable to sit up for more than about half an hour and having anything touching my stomach was a nightmare.  I spent a week in yoga or sweatpants (I only own 1 pair of each) because I could push them down below my stupid, bulging, bloated, agitated belly so they weren't touching it then I wore loose shirts that, thanks again to that bulging belly, hung out over my stomach so my incisions were out of sight but not being touched. We are seriously talkin people of WalMart stuff. It was bad and I am not a girl who is ok chillin around in sweats all day long so that just made it worse.  

Finally after hitting my limit of feeling nasty I made the executive decision to go buy a pair of maternity jeans-look and feel like i am wearing real clothes, but have and elastic waist that can get pushed below the stupid incisions. It was a huge mood booster(after I made it out of the store without having to tell anyone that I'm not pregnant, just fat) wearing really clothes, and feeling like I look good when I am not allowed to go to the gym to keep trying to work out loose weight to actually look good, was a really big, good step.

 (and the only reason I haven't been in tears all week-I was all day Monday before i bought them)

But, because I looked like a hobo and was super uncomfortable I didn't go to school at all last week. I have actually only been to 1 class THIS week, where I sat having a panic attack so bad that I had to have my phone in hand and text anyone that would text me back about anything in the world just to keep me in the seat for 50 minutes. THAT is another side effect of my crazy brain.  

I was feeling really good about this semester.  Since Christmas time I have been feeling great, getting things done, actually feeling like a person, it has been fantastic. So when the new semester started I set some goals for classes, I wasn't perfect but I was doing pretty well-then surgery.  

Now the problem with missing a week of classes is that no matter how little information I actually missed and how small a deal it actually is, my mind tells me it is all over, it is hopeless, pointless, and I am just-once again- a big fat failure. So missing one week turns into missing two weeks and I end up failing or withdrawing from all of my classes just like I have every semester for the last 3 years. 

Throw feeling like a big fat college failure in with money stress and AGAIN I am questioning my decision to be in school, to keep trying to be in school, to keep feeling like I am smashing my head into a wall. But I am scared to have a job now too, I have become pretty reclusive, not so good with people most of the time. 

 I have heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result-maybe I really am crazy. 

If you haven't noticed, I have a tendancy to get a little irrational and weird at night.

I don't know why I can't sleep.  I start to feel like maybe there is a reason I am awake, then I start to get all freaked out.  Like I am gonna find something incriminating against Husband or something bad is gonna happen.  In reality, it is probably that I just haven't taken any meds that make my brain be calm in a few weeks.  When I was doing the diet drops it seemed ok.  I actually felt better than I did on my Lithium but then I got sick and didn't do the diet for a few days, then I just didn't pick it back up and I am all out of my meds so I just end up restless. I really don't like restless.  Husband gets up for work in 1 hour (yes, at 2:30 am) and I won't be able to sleep once he leaves either, then I am all alone in a dark scary house. Can't do it.  This is a problem.

Sometimes my mind runs away.  I wish I could fix it.  If I get to thinking about anything further ahead than this day or maybe week, I can't stop my mind from running away and I get scared and I start to shut down and I want to run away. I don't know how to make it better. Do I go back to school or do I look for a full time job? If I go to school do I try to work too? I am so scared that everything won't be ok.

Revelation

Food doesn't make anything feel better.  I guess even if I fail at this diet, I am learning some important life lessons.

I don't feel well today

Taking the day off my diet.  I will pick it back up tomorrow.

I'm better now, and still on my diet.  EXTRA gum makes a mint chocolate chip icecream 5 calorie sugar free gum.  I think it will save my sanity. Thank you EXTRA.

today

Today I have a headache and I just want chocolate and might quit this stupid diet and be able to eat cheese and then go jogging. gurrrrrr

About the HCG diet

I was replying to a comment from a friend and it was getting long so I figured I would just make another post to answer all of her questions in my usual over researched, overly opinionated style. You will excuse the lack of brevity.

Here is what she asked:
Did you research it ahead of time? Is it healthy? Expensive? I must say that I don't remember you having that much weight to lose. But, awesome job

I have been researching the diet since October. My dad recommended it to me because he works with(and is good friends with) a chiropractor who markets it because his wife was able to lose a ton of weight and has kept it off.  I had heard about it before and thought it sounded bogus so I was really skeptical but I trust my dad so I decided to actually look into it.  Research online is hard because most of what you will find are junk stories and people who know nothing about the diet telling you that it is unsafe, unhealthy, stupid, and that you are lazy for even considering it and to get up off your computer and move.  I get where they are coming from and yes exercise and eating right are always the best options for long term weight management and health but I am someone who needs results now if I am going to do anything(another byproduct of my weird mind) not to mention my still healing sprained ankle makes a lot of exercise difficult.

So I went to the source. There are two big publications about the HCG diet, Pounds and Inches by Dr. A.T.W. Simeons and The Weight loss Cure They Don't Want You To Know About by Kevin Trudeau.  Pounds and Inches is the original publication by the original Dr. who was working with patients that were, obese, had hormone imbalances or abnormal fat deposits that they could not fix no matter what they tried, and he found that the administration of the HCG hormone in combination with a very low calorie diet was able to improve their condition drastically and patients were able to maintain their weight loss with ease. This book/manuscript details his findings, and lays out his protocol for the diet.  It really is an interesting paper, some of it has to be taken with a grain of salt because it was written in the 50's but overall the concept is intriguing.

I didn't read anything written by Trudeau, because he is one of the things that anti HCG people dig at too. He was jailed on felony fraud charges.  So I didn't even bother with him. But I did learn that all he did in terms of HCG is basically republish Dr Simeons findings, which is why mainstream America knows about it today. 


Pounds and Inches made a lot of sense so I decided to go with it. I was doing a little more reasearch online and found this that I thought was fantastic. He is disputing the claim that the FDA hasn't approved HCG as a weight loss drug:

"It is the 500 Calories Diet that causes you to lose the weight, and the hcg Tells your body what weight to lose, the subcutaneous body fat and the HCG works with the adrenals, thyroids and other glands to stop you from being hungry, and to raise your metabolism."
http://whenhealthmatters.wordpress.com/2010/12/17/why-is-hcg-not-fda-approved-for-weight-loss/


 As far as whether or not it is healthy, I think it is.  I know it isn't healthy for a person to eat only 500 calories a day typically, but, that is where the HCG hormone comes in.  It works best for me to think of it in terms of a pregnant woman in her first trimester(or any other time she is so sick she can't keep any food down) because HCG is what a womans body naturally produces as soon as she is pregnant.  Under normal circumstances there would be no way that baby could survive much less thrive while mom is throwing up everything she eats. Because the body makes HCG though, if mom isn't consuming enough calories to maintain her and baby, the HCG tells the body to pull its nutrients from moms fat stores to feed baby.  So even though mom is feeling like crap and maybe loosing weigh, baby is growing healthy and strong.  So if you remove the pregnancy from the picture, HCG is telling your body to burn up your extra fat stores because the calories that you are taking in aren't enough by themselves to support you. It made sense to me. Also, because the HCG triggers the release of stored fats, your body DOES have the amount of nutrients it needs so you shouldn't feel tired or crabby like most of us do when we just don't eat.  
Personally, I feel fantastic.  I have had more energy, been more motivated, been happier.  I do get a little hungry, but I figure that a little hungry is a part of every diet, I am retraining my mind an body to be fine and dandy on less food than it is used to, so a little hungry is ok with me.  


As far as expense is concerned, my dad called in a favor and got me a 6 week supply drops and a cookbook, so my experiment didn't cost me anything. But the drops are relatively inexpensive.  Here is a link to the Chiropractors website, Lighthouse Chiropractic, Dr Shane Harada
I would be totally skeptical of buying things like this online, but I know Dr. Shane personally, he has been a family friend for years now.  My dad works with him and my brother in law is doing all of his marketing. Another reason I decided to try the diet, I trusted my source and knew I could go back to him if I had a problem or concern. Some people say that the homeopathic drops aren't as effective and you should definitely go to the doctor to get them, I don't know.  I have homeopathic drops and it works for me.

I have put on about 60 lbs in the last 2 years, and in a little more than a week I have lost almost 10. My favorite thing about this diet, honestly, is that it is teaching me that I can make fantastic, delicious, totally healthy meals with very few ingredients, and I don't have to listen to my cravings, I will be just fine, and feel fantastic.  I don't know if it is the "weight loss cure" it is sometimes touted to be but I know that for me it is changing my body and mind in a completely positive, healthy way and I couldn't be happier.

One week on HCG

After 1 week, I have lost 7.5 lbs, 8 inches, and feel better than I have in a really long time.  I'm sold.

Conundrum

When a certain person only brings frustration into your life and makes you feel like you are completely worthless and evil every time you speak, should they be allowed to continue being a part of your life? What if they are family?

I had a friend tell me once that she didn't care who someone was, if they were crappy human beings they weren't a part of her life and that included family.  I really like that idea but unfortunately I can't completely shun my mother. I have Little Brother at my house and that, unfortunately, ties me to her. Especially since I called her out on not even trying to help us out with him while taking money from my dad and saying it supported him right along with the other siblings.  (I have gotten $25 a month since, better than nothing, but still laughable)

I honestly think she is a selfish, lying bitch, and she treats me like I am a bad person(and maybe I am but I took a kid she didn't want off her hands, at the risk of my own marriage, and he is doing better here than he ever has.) I wish that I could just say good bye and have nothing else to do with her for the rest of my life.  But I guess, at least until Little Brother is 18, I have to maintain some contact with her. Dang it!

The first day of the rest of my life

Gonna catch hell from someone, I am sure of it, but tomorrow I am starting the HCG diet.  Before you say anything, just know if you have anything bad to say I will ignore and delete you. I have been researching this diet for 3 months now and feel like it is a good thing for me and I know EXACTLY what I am doing. I am really excited, I really have nothing to lose.  Here we go!

I Want...

I want to become a runner. How do you do that? 
I have never been athletic at all but I have always kinda wanted to be. I have always struggled with my weight and I don't want to anymore.
So today my question into the void is, How do I become a runner? 
What do runners do when it is snowy and icy outside? What do I do to get started? (I am REALLY out of shape) And, how do I stay motivated to keep running? 

Any suggestions, answers or advice are more than welcome.

Thanks
Mrs. S

Enough whining. Now for a real question.

Don't you hate it when your husband does something really really stupid right before a special event. Yeah that was my Thanksgiving/his birthday.  He was brainless like boys can be and made me really mad then we spent the day at his parents. Let me rephrase, I spent the day at his parents alone with his parents pretending everything was good, while he was off playing. The only bright side, his parents laughed when they found out I was mad at him because, even though they didn't know why, they were pretty sure he deserved it. They know him well :D  Oh being married, wonderful and awful all rolled into one (somehow they forget to tell you about that awful part though, go figure.)

Now, on to the thought that kept me up last night. Maybe someone has some insight.

Recently I have been considering, quite a bit, this person I have become and how it came to be. I realized that I am completely apathetic to most things and angry about the rest.  How does one become this way. 
Now, not many people who may read this knew me 3 years ago so I guess you will just have to take my word for it that I was bright, bubbly, enthusiastic, motivated, outgoing, determined and a perfectionist. I got things done and made things happen. 
These days I find that I am jaded, angry, apathetic, reclusive, prone to failure and content with that. I didn't ever have any specific life goals, it was more of a general help people be happy and make a difference idea but now I just don't care. I hide in my house, or in the back of the classroom wishing time away. I hide from people, even those who could be friends.  And, I find that the more I am this way, the more weight I gain(yes I binge) and the more weight I gain the more insecure I am and the more I withdraw.
You probably are saying that my answer is right there, it is all just insecurity. While I do whole heartedly agree that that is a huge factor, I think it is something else as well. What made the change in the first place?
I guess it was probably a slow transition- moved to a new town and was invisible because I knew no one and was shy so then I just stayed invisible, feeling like a no one?  (maybe if I had a Camille when I moved to this place everything would have been different?) I tried but I couldn't be everything I was "supposed" to be, the best wife, the best student, the best employee, all at the same time (I think this played a huge role in spurring the depression) so I just decided that everyone fails at things and I could too, but since I basically must give everything all or nothin, I failed at everything? 
Then at the same time Husband is changed too. He doesn't hope like he did, doesn't laugh like he did, isn't excited about life like he was. Did I break him too?  Is all of it my fault? Or have we just been dealt a really hard hand? (I know other people have lots of hard things too but a lot of the time I feel like we always have lots of really hard things that most people don't have, maybe I am just not as good at dealing with them) If it is just lots and lots of hard things, how do we get back up from being kicked so hard so many times? I think we have almost given up. We used to believe in good things, now we just believe that something worse could come and probably will.

I know that we can't go back, as much as I would like to, we can only go forward. I know that because of the experiences and struggles that we have had we will never be those same starry eyed 20something newlyweds but can we ever get back hopeful? happy? motivated? ambitious? Or did I break us?

Leave it to me to be the one person in America pissed as hell on this Thanksgiving day.  Oh and it is Husbands birthday and  i don't even want to look at him.  Been up since 2:30 am not seeing any possibility of sleep in the near future.

Happy holidays.

Calm amidst the storm

Today I am grateful.
It has been a while since I have been really truly grateful or really believed that that the kind and loving God that is so often spoken of in church and by friends and who I once had a very close relationship with still existed or cared that I existed. 
I think it started because of the depression, I felt like I couldn't do enough to make God happy with me, and over the years it has become much worse. I offer not-heartfelt prayers because I knew God didn't want to hear from me anyway. I only did it because I was supposed to and I respect the fact that he could make things in my life so much worse. God didn't care about me, I was bad and nothing I could do could make it better.  I stopped trying hard to be good because it didn't matter anyway. If I was good, awful things happened. If I wasn't so good, awful things happened. Why bother making myself more sick trying to please a being that would not be pleased. It wasn't worth it and I didn't have the energy. 
It has been this way for a long time now, my heart kind of frozen against anything I used to be; happy, spiritual; creative, all of it. Even with the medication that has slowed my mind and helped me drastically, I am still not that girl. I am jaded, cynical, "realistic". 

Then there was last night.

I ran out of my lithium prescription and haven't been able to get my refill. With a lot of drugs this isn't a problem but the lithium has basically no half life. If you don't take it one day, you aren't ok. Actually, if you are like me and take it twice a day, if you only take it in the morning, you don't sleep because your mind won't stop. This is what happened yesterday. It is hard to explain what my mind does without the lithium, it is like a spinning carnival ride that is ok at first but just gets faster and faster and keeps going and going and you are starting to get sick but you can't make it stop and you don't know when it will stop or if it will ever stop.  I was laying in bed, not feeling well, sick husband, stressed out about school and a wedding cake and I felt that ride switch on. And laying there in bed I said loudly,"Heavenly Father, My mind won't stop and I can't do this anymore. Please make it go away!"

And it did. The ride stopped.

I have begged and plead for 2 1/2 years for all of it to go away and nothing and in that moment last night when I couldn't handle it anymore I found my God again.  I found the God that cares that I am here and wants to help me, who loves me when I feel so alone and understands when I am broken and there is no one who can help. I found the God who loves me even with my broken thoughts and spinning mind and messy house. A God who thinks I AM good enough.

And for that, today I am grateful.