Today I am grateful.
It has been a while since I have been really truly grateful or really believed that that the kind and loving God that is so often spoken of in church and by friends and who I once had a very close relationship with still existed or cared that I existed.
I think it started because of the depression, I felt like I couldn't do enough to make God happy with me, and over the years it has become much worse. I offer not-heartfelt prayers because I knew God didn't want to hear from me anyway. I only did it because I was supposed to and I respect the fact that he could make things in my life so much worse. God didn't care about me, I was bad and nothing I could do could make it better. I stopped trying hard to be good because it didn't matter anyway. If I was good, awful things happened. If I wasn't so good, awful things happened. Why bother making myself more sick trying to please a being that would not be pleased. It wasn't worth it and I didn't have the energy.
It has been this way for a long time now, my heart kind of frozen against anything I used to be; happy, spiritual; creative, all of it. Even with the medication that has slowed my mind and helped me drastically, I am still not that girl. I am jaded, cynical, "realistic".
Then there was last night.
I ran out of my lithium prescription and haven't been able to get my refill. With a lot of drugs this isn't a problem but the lithium has basically no half life. If you don't take it one day, you aren't ok. Actually, if you are like me and take it twice a day, if you only take it in the morning, you don't sleep because your mind won't stop. This is what happened yesterday. It is hard to explain what my mind does without the lithium, it is like a spinning carnival ride that is ok at first but just gets faster and faster and keeps going and going and you are starting to get sick but you can't make it stop and you don't know when it will stop or if it will ever stop. I was laying in bed, not feeling well, sick husband, stressed out about school and a wedding cake and I felt that ride switch on. And laying there in bed I said loudly,"Heavenly Father, My mind won't stop and I can't do this anymore. Please make it go away!"
And it did. The ride stopped.
I have begged and plead for 2 1/2 years for all of it to go away and nothing and in that moment last night when I couldn't handle it anymore I found my God again. I found the God that cares that I am here and wants to help me, who loves me when I feel so alone and understands when I am broken and there is no one who can help. I found the God who loves me even with my broken thoughts and spinning mind and messy house. A God who thinks I AM good enough.
And for that, today I am grateful.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Distance
It is interesting that the only people I feel inclined to share any part of my life with right now are the ones who are going through really really crappy hard things. (aka similar situations to my own)
Why?
Because then I don't have to listen to their cheery little faces talk about their happy little bright shiny lives and tell me that everything will be better if I am patient and positive and blah blah blah.
I am not a naturally negative person, I have tons of faith, tons of gratitude and even in all of my crappy situations, can more often than not find a good side. Sure I could have more patience but I am human and I really handle hard things better than a lot of people would.
I didn't tell you that I am not working right now and that makes money tight, or I sprained my ankle badly and now I can't walk or do anything, or that I can't keep up with the amount of food that Little Brother consumes on a daily basis because I wanted you to feel bad for me or because I wanted your all knowing input on why the state of my soul is causing all of my problems. I told you because you asked and you are my friend and I don't like to lie.
So if I seem a little distant, maybe just maybe I am sick and tired of the well meaning fixing.
(this is not in anyway a reflection on any comments I have recieved from this blog, I appreciate all of your insights, advice and comments. It is some of the responses I get from "real life" that I cant really handle.)
(on a lighter note: I was just telling Husband how interesting it is that the only things that has been stable around here lately is my mind (thank you Lithium!) and how ironic it is that after 2 1/2 years of fighting to get my brain stable, we finally start to get there and the rest of our life falls to pieces...that Man Upstairs certainly does have some sense of humor.)
Why?
Because then I don't have to listen to their cheery little faces talk about their happy little bright shiny lives and tell me that everything will be better if I am patient and positive and blah blah blah.
I am not a naturally negative person, I have tons of faith, tons of gratitude and even in all of my crappy situations, can more often than not find a good side. Sure I could have more patience but I am human and I really handle hard things better than a lot of people would.
I didn't tell you that I am not working right now and that makes money tight, or I sprained my ankle badly and now I can't walk or do anything, or that I can't keep up with the amount of food that Little Brother consumes on a daily basis because I wanted you to feel bad for me or because I wanted your all knowing input on why the state of my soul is causing all of my problems. I told you because you asked and you are my friend and I don't like to lie.
So if I seem a little distant, maybe just maybe I am sick and tired of the well meaning fixing.
(this is not in anyway a reflection on any comments I have recieved from this blog, I appreciate all of your insights, advice and comments. It is some of the responses I get from "real life" that I cant really handle.)
(on a lighter note: I was just telling Husband how interesting it is that the only things that has been stable around here lately is my mind (thank you Lithium!) and how ironic it is that after 2 1/2 years of fighting to get my brain stable, we finally start to get there and the rest of our life falls to pieces...that Man Upstairs certainly does have some sense of humor.)
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Agency
Recently I have really begun to feel the effects of the choices of other people in my life and most often those effects are heartbreaking. While I could choose to talk about my good husband and his choice to take a new job that has him home every evening (something that has never happened before in our marriage) or my good friends choice to help me build a website for my new cake company (hooray!), in reality, the choices of others that often have the most profound effect are the ones that hurt us whether they mean to or not.
I am not looking for sympathy, I would never ask that, but maybe more for validation and advice. Two recent situations come to mind most readily:
First, Husband and I have a wonderful friend who has lived with us on and off when she needed to for the last year. We all get along famously and we have so much fun with her. However, she has had a man in her life on and off for this year that Husband and I abhor. Literally. We think he is disgusting and terrible for her. She however adores him and none of what we tell her can convince her that she needs to just let him go. So a little over a week ago, we made her choose between him and us. She chose him (we knew she would) and took all of her things and left. It really was quite amicable, I respect the fact that she feels she needs to follow her heart even if I don't agree with where her heart is pointing her and do not wish her any ill. And likewise, she understands that because of the quasi parent roll that Husband and I play in her life it would be a constant fight if she were to stay and I can't have that feeling and tension in my home. And all of the sudden, a friend who I have spent almost everyday with for the last year is just gone. We are kind and more than civil but that is all. She knew how I felt and chose what she was going to do, but still I wonder, did I make the wrong choice, was my judgement too harsh? Maybe you can only understand if you knew how hard I have worked to get rid of the unnecessary drama and frustrations in my life to keep my sanity and peace. But then again, maybe that is just a cop out.
Situations 2 and the one that I am the most bitter about (just to avoid hurting so much I can't breathe).
I have mentioned before that my parents are getting a divorce. I realize that most people think this shouldn't effect me because I am an adult, out of the house for quite a few years, married, family of my own and maybe if I was like my sister it wouldn't bother me but I am not. I am too opinionated, too vocal, too outspoken. I disagree with how my mother is handling the situation. I don't have a problem with the fact that she doesn't want to be married to my dad anymore, saw that coming years ago. The problem that I have is that she has mental health issues that she refuses to address that negatively impacted her marriage and her children (every one of us that is out of her house has been to counseling to overcome issues brought on by how she treated us-that's 4 kids) Don't get me wrong, my mom is a good mom. I have a lot of good memories, but she is only a good mom until you are about 15. After that she doesn't know how to deal with you anymore. ( I am struggling to correct a lot of the feelings that Little Brother (17) has about himself and life as we speak). The big problem here is that there are still 3 more kids. Yeah they are doing a lot better since Dad moved out- Mom isn't constantly pissed and evil- that would make any kid be better but what happens when they are teenagers if she won't get help and she REFUSES to get any help. For 2 years I have been trying to get her to go to a counselor. (not just because I think she has depression (which she has been diagnosed with before) but because she has a past full of abuse of all kinds and honestly doesn't know how to connect in healthy relationships). So here is my problem, if I say anything (and really now since I have in the past said some things to the affect of her getting counseling) I don't have a mom. She won't speak to me and honestly I have no desire to talk to her so I do realize that I am partially at fault in the situation but,
What do you do without a mom?
What if I had a baby one day?
Sure I have a wonderful mother in law, but what does a girl do without a mom?
I am not looking for sympathy, I would never ask that, but maybe more for validation and advice. Two recent situations come to mind most readily:
First, Husband and I have a wonderful friend who has lived with us on and off when she needed to for the last year. We all get along famously and we have so much fun with her. However, she has had a man in her life on and off for this year that Husband and I abhor. Literally. We think he is disgusting and terrible for her. She however adores him and none of what we tell her can convince her that she needs to just let him go. So a little over a week ago, we made her choose between him and us. She chose him (we knew she would) and took all of her things and left. It really was quite amicable, I respect the fact that she feels she needs to follow her heart even if I don't agree with where her heart is pointing her and do not wish her any ill. And likewise, she understands that because of the quasi parent roll that Husband and I play in her life it would be a constant fight if she were to stay and I can't have that feeling and tension in my home. And all of the sudden, a friend who I have spent almost everyday with for the last year is just gone. We are kind and more than civil but that is all. She knew how I felt and chose what she was going to do, but still I wonder, did I make the wrong choice, was my judgement too harsh? Maybe you can only understand if you knew how hard I have worked to get rid of the unnecessary drama and frustrations in my life to keep my sanity and peace. But then again, maybe that is just a cop out.
Situations 2 and the one that I am the most bitter about (just to avoid hurting so much I can't breathe).
I have mentioned before that my parents are getting a divorce. I realize that most people think this shouldn't effect me because I am an adult, out of the house for quite a few years, married, family of my own and maybe if I was like my sister it wouldn't bother me but I am not. I am too opinionated, too vocal, too outspoken. I disagree with how my mother is handling the situation. I don't have a problem with the fact that she doesn't want to be married to my dad anymore, saw that coming years ago. The problem that I have is that she has mental health issues that she refuses to address that negatively impacted her marriage and her children (every one of us that is out of her house has been to counseling to overcome issues brought on by how she treated us-that's 4 kids) Don't get me wrong, my mom is a good mom. I have a lot of good memories, but she is only a good mom until you are about 15. After that she doesn't know how to deal with you anymore. ( I am struggling to correct a lot of the feelings that Little Brother (17) has about himself and life as we speak). The big problem here is that there are still 3 more kids. Yeah they are doing a lot better since Dad moved out- Mom isn't constantly pissed and evil- that would make any kid be better but what happens when they are teenagers if she won't get help and she REFUSES to get any help. For 2 years I have been trying to get her to go to a counselor. (not just because I think she has depression (which she has been diagnosed with before) but because she has a past full of abuse of all kinds and honestly doesn't know how to connect in healthy relationships). So here is my problem, if I say anything (and really now since I have in the past said some things to the affect of her getting counseling) I don't have a mom. She won't speak to me and honestly I have no desire to talk to her so I do realize that I am partially at fault in the situation but,
What do you do without a mom?
What if I had a baby one day?
Sure I have a wonderful mother in law, but what does a girl do without a mom?
Thursday, October 7, 2010
A New Beginning
I know this is probably bad to broadcast in the wide expanse of the Internet but as of 9am today I found myself without a job. I loved my job, I learned so much and helped a lot of people. It was a mutual decision on the part of my employer and myself and works best based on my schedule and their needs but at the same time, it leaves me reeling just a little bit.
I have worked at the same job for the last 2 1/2 years. I have worked there since a month after we moved here, since a month after we got married. In fact looking back, besides still having the same husband (somehow, I am lucky) the only thing in my life that hasn't changed drastically in the last 2 years is that I go to the same job everyday.
In one sense I am relieved, I needed a change. But, on the other hand, I don't do too well with change. I am hopeful that I have learned a enough in the last 2 years that I can just glide through this without stumbling too hard.
This all does add up to one more new adventure though. All my life I have loved making cakes and this is presenting me with the perfect opportunity to actually start a business selling them.
Wish me luck!
Mrs. S
I have worked at the same job for the last 2 1/2 years. I have worked there since a month after we moved here, since a month after we got married. In fact looking back, besides still having the same husband (somehow, I am lucky) the only thing in my life that hasn't changed drastically in the last 2 years is that I go to the same job everyday.
In one sense I am relieved, I needed a change. But, on the other hand, I don't do too well with change. I am hopeful that I have learned a enough in the last 2 years that I can just glide through this without stumbling too hard.
This all does add up to one more new adventure though. All my life I have loved making cakes and this is presenting me with the perfect opportunity to actually start a business selling them.
Wish me luck!
Mrs. S
Monday, September 6, 2010
Super Mommy Stress
So I am not technically a mommy, I don't have kids but my puppies are my babies. They are the most spoiled rotten things you will ever meet and I love them more than anything. This is why when I came home from church yesterday expecting to be greeted by this little face...........
And found this one instead
I was more than a little concerned. My poor little baby looked like he had gone 10 rounds. After noticing the irony of my boxer puppy looking like he had just gotten out of the ring I called the vet.
As per the doctors orders I gave him a little Benadryl and some baby Tylenol and things started to get better. The swelling was going down and he seemed to be acting ok.
Enter next super stress. After two hours the swelling came back! I couldn't give him more drugs so I gave him a bath hoping that I could wash off whatever was causing this problem. After both pups got bathed things started to look up again. I stopped worrying and just let them play in the house for the rest of the day.
Again I though we were in the clear so didn't think anything of putting them out to go potty before bed. Bad plan. Pups were out for 5 minutes and when Baby came back in the other eye was starting to swell and he had HIVES!
We guessed that they had played in the old carpet pad we had just pulled out of the house and that is sitting on the trailer in the backyard waiting to go to the dump and that Baby was having an allergic reaction to something in or on it so they spent the day in the front yard today (they are primarily inside dogs but we are doing some crazy remodeling in the house and didn't want to be tripping on them) But I can't win I swear! Baby pup walked in this evening covered again in HIVES. He has been bathed twice in the last 24 hours, he has gotten Benadryl every 8 hours like the Dr said and he has on a different collar just in case the other one had something on it. I don't know what he is allergic to and I am freaking out!
Vet in the morning.
I HATE that I can't help my baby.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Catching Up
It has come to my attention that I actually have a few people who read this blog, and while in theory I shouldn't care if anyone is reading or not because it is jsut a spot for me to vent, it really really makes me feel good when people do read and can relate. It makes all of the things I deal with seem to have some small purpose. So feeling renewed in my purpose in beginning this blog here are some of the latest goings on in my life.
At the suggestion of my Bishop(church leader) I went back to the doctor to readdress the issue of balancing my mind with the help of medication. After 45 minutes the doctor decided(saying all the while that she wasn't really qualified to make this diagnosis- unsettling much?) that she thinks I am dealing with borderline bipolar and now I am taking Lithium, a mood stabalizer. We will see how that goes.
Personally I think that it is more my hormones than my mind but time will tell I guess.
We had a lot of long discussions and decided that Little Brother could stay with us. He has actually become really helpful in the last few weeks. He has dug trenches, helped Husband tile my dining room and he washes the dishes. It is still an adjustment but I think things are going to be ok.
At the suggestion of my Bishop(church leader) I went back to the doctor to readdress the issue of balancing my mind with the help of medication. After 45 minutes the doctor decided(saying all the while that she wasn't really qualified to make this diagnosis- unsettling much?) that she thinks I am dealing with borderline bipolar and now I am taking Lithium, a mood stabalizer. We will see how that goes.
Personally I think that it is more my hormones than my mind but time will tell I guess.
We had a lot of long discussions and decided that Little Brother could stay with us. He has actually become really helpful in the last few weeks. He has dug trenches, helped Husband tile my dining room and he washes the dishes. It is still an adjustment but I think things are going to be ok.
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