Meds or not?

I have clinical depression.  After a year of counseling and at the suggestion of my counselor, I saw a doctor to see about getting on medication.  I was perscribed Fluoxetine and have been on it for a year and a half.  The thing is I am on a pretty high dose and I don't really feel like it is doing the whole job.  So like a very bad patient I weaned myself off of the meds to see how I can function on my own now that I am doing things I like in school and we have our own home ( owning home = having my own space and less worries).  After a month of being completely unmedicated I feel the same. Honestly I feel a little happier but I am scared. 

I have been in really scary bad bad places mentally in the last two years and I really don't want to go back there.  Even on the meds I was frequently sucidal ( I have had less thoughts of self harm/ suicide since I have been off of them).  I do however still have not awesome days, I am happier and don't really feel like my lows are any lower than they were on the meds.

So I guess my question for the cosmos is do I try this semester of school without meds and just see how I do? Or do I go talk to my doctor and see if there is some other drug that can make the lows totally go away?

 I have never tried anything else because when I went in after a year to talk to my doctor again to tell her that I was still having suicidal thoughts and she was not available.  I ended up talking to a PA who totally ignored me when I said I was struggling and actually perscribed me excessive amounts of the drugs (like a 3 month supply at once) I actually had to sign them over to a friend so they were out of my house so I didn't overdose-I could have died 6 times with the amount of pills I got in one perscription refill.  Needless to say I don't really think that drug was working for me.

What do I do now? Any ideas?

A new day. A new beginning

For quite some time now, I have been thinking about starting a blog where I could write about my joys and struggles as I try to live the most "normal" life possible while dealing with sometimes overwhelming depression.  For some reason, today felt like the day so now I find myself here. I don't have any idea if anyone will ever read this or if it will do any good but I guess that is something we will just have to wait to find out. I plan to be very honest, open and real.

I have fought -against my mind- for my life for the past two years and am now beginning to see light in the tunnel (notice that I didn't say at the end). I know I still have a long way to go and maybe the depression will never totally go away but I like to believe that everything comes into our lives for a reason and maybe the reason I have been to the depths of hell and darkness in my mind is for you.

So if this is for you, "come along for the ride" and hopefully this will something we can overpower and  overcome together.

Mrs. S