Thursday, February 17, 2011

After Surgery

I am not doing good.

My body is healing fine and that is what most people want to know.  2 cysts are taken out (you can find details on my family life blog) and I am stitched up and healing.
(maybe one day I will write here about my honest feelings on being healthy and fine now that the cysts are gone but today isn't the day.)
I am starting to have some strength back in my abdomen. I can sit up and move without splinting my stomach for the most part which is a huge improvement over a week ago and while I still have really uncomfortable, not really painful but still not good, sensations across my lower abdomen, they aren't constant and they are more annoying than painful.

But my brain is bad.

First off, I have had some good days or at least pieces of days this week, and I am no where near the bad places I have been. but all of this stuff is still packed in and crashing around in my brain causing problems so I am deciding to let some of it out. 

I spent almost a full week in my bed. It was too uncomfortable to sit up for more than about half an hour and having anything touching my stomach was a nightmare.  I spent a week in yoga or sweatpants (I only own 1 pair of each) because I could push them down below my stupid, bulging, bloated, agitated belly so they weren't touching it then I wore loose shirts that, thanks again to that bulging belly, hung out over my stomach so my incisions were out of sight but not being touched. We are seriously talkin people of WalMart stuff. It was bad and I am not a girl who is ok chillin around in sweats all day long so that just made it worse.  

Finally after hitting my limit of feeling nasty I made the executive decision to go buy a pair of maternity jeans-look and feel like i am wearing real clothes, but have and elastic waist that can get pushed below the stupid incisions. It was a huge mood booster(after I made it out of the store without having to tell anyone that I'm not pregnant, just fat) wearing really clothes, and feeling like I look good when I am not allowed to go to the gym to keep trying to work out loose weight to actually look good, was a really big, good step.
 (and the only reason I haven't been in tears all week-I was all day Monday before i bought them)

But, because I looked like a hobo and was super uncomfortable I didn't go to school at all last week. I have actually only been to 1 class THIS week, where I sat having a panic attack so bad that I had to have my phone in hand and text anyone that would text me back about anything in the world just to keep me in the seat for 50 minutes. THAT is another side effect of my crazy brain.  

I was feeling really good about this semester.  Since Christmas time I have been feeling great, getting things done, actually feeling like a person, it has been fantastic. So when the new semester started I set some goals for classes, I wasn't perfect but I was doing pretty well-then surgery.  

Now the problem with missing a week of classes is that no matter how little information I actually missed and how small a deal it actually is, my mind tells me it is all over, it is hopeless, pointless, and I am just-once again- a big fat failure. So missing one week turns into missing two weeks and I end up failing or withdrawing from all of my classes just like I have every semester for the last 3 years. 

Throw feeling like a big fat college failure in with money stress and AGAIN I am questioning my decision to be in school, to keep trying to be in school, to keep feeling like I am smashing my head into a wall. But I am scared to have a job now too, I have become pretty reclusive, not so good with people most of the time. 

 I have heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result-maybe I really am crazy.