When I wrote about my surgery I said that my body was fine and healthy and strong and that I had secret feelings on that subject that I might share at another time. Well it has been on my mind a lot in the last few days and I decided to share those secret feelings.
Let me begin by saying that I have dear friends who struggle to become pregnant, live with infertility, are hoping to adopt, as well as friend who have a whole brood of babies and everything in between and I have no intention of taking any of those struggles or decisions lightly or to look down on any one in any circumstance, I have the utmost respect for all of these women, but I live in a different world-a more lonely world.
My heart sank when, after surgery, they told me everything was clear and everything should be fine. Husband and I had both been secretly hoping and praying that something would be very wrong and that I would never be able to have children. I know that that sounds terrible to everyone but that is where my different world comes in.
I love children-I struggle with teenagers- but completely adore babies and children. Husband could be a really good dad and I could very possibly be a really good mom. But unlike a lot of women, being a mom was never high on my priority list, and even though every now and then I really want to be pregnant, the thought usually just makes me really uncomfortable. We chose not to have children right away when we got married and that is a decision that has had the most profound impact on our lives of any decision we have made as a couple.
As a result of that decision, I went on hormonal birth control that was the spark that ignited the depression powder keg that my genetics and life had bestowed upon me. It has been just over two years since I stopped all forms of hormonal birth control (all my praise to the copper IUD!) and I am beginning to get my life back. I have spent a lot of time talking about my journey into the world of severe depression but never of the time when I didn't have good birth control in between quitting the hormones and getting my IUD. It took quite a few months before I got the IUD and they were some of the scariest of my life. In that time I had to come to the very stark realization that I COULD NOT GET PREGNANT for my safety and for the safety of the child. I was more unstable that you could possibly understand-those terrible stories you hear of moms snapping and drowning all their kids in the tub- that would be me.
I spent two years accepting the fact that being pregnant could very possibly be the worst thing that could happen in our lives. Then I actually started to get better, which leaves me where I am now. SCARED OUT OF MY FREAKING MIND!!!
I belong to a church where the family is central. Unfortunately, the culture tends to focus on babies as the family not the two of you as a couple, so not having kids puts us in a weird place. If I had something medically wrong that meant we were infertile, i could be part of a different sector of supportive couples and families. But what if i am not broken but choose to never try to get pregnant because i am scared of the effect the drastic hormone changes would have on my brain. Depression isn't really accepted as a good reason for not having a baby and I would never belong anywhere.
Everyone knows someone who has depression and getting pregnant made it better-believe me I have heard stories every time I turn around. But do you have any concept of what a huge gamble that is? I would be literally betting with my life and the life of my unborn child. That seems like a price that is just a little too steep for me.
So that leaves me here alone in my own world. I realize that there are lots of options for having a child without being pregnant, but if my body isn't broken, I will never belong with anyone. I will be a chicken to those who have had children, and spoiled/ungrateful to those who can't have children. And that is why I am sitting here hoping that since my ovarian cysts came back a month after having them surgically removed and are painful, that something is actually wrong that will render me infertile, and why Husband and I pray for it. I know that it shouldn't matter what other people think and it is our decision and that maybe one day I will change my mind, and maybe there are miracles, and maybe I am just ungrateful, but for now the risk and the fear is just too great and I wish I was broken.