Agency

Recently I have really begun to feel the effects of the choices of other people in my life and most often those effects are heartbreaking.  While I could choose to talk about my good husband and his choice to take a new job that has him home every evening (something that has never happened before in our marriage) or my good friends choice to help me build a website for my new cake company (hooray!), in reality, the choices of others that often have the most profound effect are the ones that hurt us whether they mean to or not.

I am not looking for sympathy, I would never ask that, but maybe more for validation and advice. Two recent situations come to mind most readily:

First, Husband and I have a wonderful friend who has lived with us on and off when she needed to for the last year.  We all get along famously and we have so much fun with her. However, she has had a man in her life on and off for this year that Husband and I abhor. Literally. We think he is disgusting and terrible for her. She however adores him and none of what we tell her can convince her that she needs to just let him go. So a little over a week ago, we made her choose between him and us.  She chose him (we knew she would) and took all of her things and left. It really was quite amicable, I respect the fact that she feels she needs to follow her heart even if I don't agree with where her heart is pointing her and do not wish her any ill. And likewise, she understands that because of the quasi parent roll that Husband and I play in her life it would be a constant fight if she were to stay and I can't have that feeling and tension in my home.   And all of the sudden, a friend who I have spent almost everyday with for the last year is just gone. We are kind and more than civil but that is all. She knew how I felt and chose what she was going to do, but still I wonder, did I make the wrong choice, was my judgement too harsh?  Maybe you can only understand if you knew how hard I have worked to get rid of the unnecessary drama and frustrations in my life to keep my sanity and peace. But then again, maybe that is just a cop out.

Situations 2 and the one that I am the most bitter about (just to avoid hurting so much I can't breathe).
I have mentioned before that my parents are getting a divorce. I realize that most people think this shouldn't effect me because I am an adult, out of the house for quite a few years, married, family of my own and maybe if I was like my sister it wouldn't bother me but I am not. I am too opinionated, too vocal, too outspoken.  I disagree with how my mother is handling the situation.  I don't have a problem with the fact that she doesn't want to be married to my dad anymore, saw that coming years ago. The problem that I have is that she has mental health issues that she refuses to address that negatively impacted her marriage and her children (every one of us that is out of her house has been to counseling to overcome issues brought on by how she treated us-that's 4 kids) Don't get me wrong, my mom is a good mom.  I have a lot of good memories, but she is only a good mom until you are about 15. After that she doesn't know how to deal with you anymore. ( I am struggling to correct a lot of the feelings that Little Brother (17) has about himself and life as we speak).  The big problem here is that there are still 3 more kids. Yeah they are doing a lot better since Dad moved out- Mom isn't constantly pissed and evil- that would make any kid be better but what happens when they are teenagers if she won't get help and she REFUSES  to get any help.  For 2 years I have been trying to get her to go to a counselor. (not just because I think she has depression (which she has been diagnosed with before) but because she has a past full of abuse of all kinds and honestly doesn't know how to connect in healthy relationships). So here is my problem, if I say anything (and really now since I have in the past said some things to the affect of her getting counseling) I don't have a mom. She won't speak to me and honestly I have no desire to talk to her so I do realize that I am partially at fault in the situation but,

What do you do without a mom?
What if I had a baby one day?
Sure I have a wonderful mother in law, but what does a girl do without a mom?