Enough whining. Now for a real question.

Don't you hate it when your husband does something really really stupid right before a special event. Yeah that was my Thanksgiving/his birthday.  He was brainless like boys can be and made me really mad then we spent the day at his parents. Let me rephrase, I spent the day at his parents alone with his parents pretending everything was good, while he was off playing. The only bright side, his parents laughed when they found out I was mad at him because, even though they didn't know why, they were pretty sure he deserved it. They know him well :D  Oh being married, wonderful and awful all rolled into one (somehow they forget to tell you about that awful part though, go figure.)

Now, on to the thought that kept me up last night. Maybe someone has some insight.

Recently I have been considering, quite a bit, this person I have become and how it came to be. I realized that I am completely apathetic to most things and angry about the rest.  How does one become this way. 
Now, not many people who may read this knew me 3 years ago so I guess you will just have to take my word for it that I was bright, bubbly, enthusiastic, motivated, outgoing, determined and a perfectionist. I got things done and made things happen. 
These days I find that I am jaded, angry, apathetic, reclusive, prone to failure and content with that. I didn't ever have any specific life goals, it was more of a general help people be happy and make a difference idea but now I just don't care. I hide in my house, or in the back of the classroom wishing time away. I hide from people, even those who could be friends.  And, I find that the more I am this way, the more weight I gain(yes I binge) and the more weight I gain the more insecure I am and the more I withdraw.
You probably are saying that my answer is right there, it is all just insecurity. While I do whole heartedly agree that that is a huge factor, I think it is something else as well. What made the change in the first place?
I guess it was probably a slow transition- moved to a new town and was invisible because I knew no one and was shy so then I just stayed invisible, feeling like a no one?  (maybe if I had a Camille when I moved to this place everything would have been different?) I tried but I couldn't be everything I was "supposed" to be, the best wife, the best student, the best employee, all at the same time (I think this played a huge role in spurring the depression) so I just decided that everyone fails at things and I could too, but since I basically must give everything all or nothin, I failed at everything? 
Then at the same time Husband is changed too. He doesn't hope like he did, doesn't laugh like he did, isn't excited about life like he was. Did I break him too?  Is all of it my fault? Or have we just been dealt a really hard hand? (I know other people have lots of hard things too but a lot of the time I feel like we always have lots of really hard things that most people don't have, maybe I am just not as good at dealing with them) If it is just lots and lots of hard things, how do we get back up from being kicked so hard so many times? I think we have almost given up. We used to believe in good things, now we just believe that something worse could come and probably will.

I know that we can't go back, as much as I would like to, we can only go forward. I know that because of the experiences and struggles that we have had we will never be those same starry eyed 20something newlyweds but can we ever get back hopeful? happy? motivated? ambitious? Or did I break us?