Blog Break

I have loved having this spot to share my feelings and hope that it has helped someone to not feel alone in similar struggles, but I will be taking a break for a while. Thank you for all of the support, feedback and love. Maybe I will return in a while, maybe this is a portion of my life that I will be closing the door on, time will tell.

Mrs. S

Pregnancy, Babies, Choices, Wishes

When I wrote about my surgery I said that my body was fine and healthy and strong and that I had secret feelings on that subject that I might share at another time.  Well it has been on my mind a lot in the last few days and I decided to share those secret feelings.

Let me begin by saying that I have dear friends who struggle to become pregnant, live with infertility, are hoping to adopt, as well as friend who have a whole brood of babies and everything in between and I have no intention of taking any of those struggles or decisions lightly or to look down on any one in any circumstance, I have the utmost respect for all of these women, but I live in a different world-a more lonely world.

My heart sank when, after surgery, they told me everything was clear and everything should be fine.  Husband and I had both been secretly hoping and praying that something would be very wrong and that I would never be able to have children.  I know that that sounds terrible to everyone but that is where my different world comes in.

I love children-I struggle with teenagers- but completely adore babies and children. Husband could be a really good dad and I could very possibly be a really good mom.  But unlike a lot of women, being a mom was never high on my priority list, and even though every now and then I really want to be pregnant, the thought usually just makes me really uncomfortable.  We chose not to have children right away when we got married and that is a decision that has had the most profound impact on our lives of any decision we have made as a couple.

As a result of that decision, I went on hormonal birth control that was the spark that ignited the depression powder keg that my genetics and life had bestowed upon me. It has been just over two years since I stopped all forms of hormonal birth control (all my praise to the copper IUD!) and I am beginning to get my life back.  I have spent a lot of time talking about my journey into the world of severe depression but never of the time when I didn't have good birth control in between quitting the hormones and getting my IUD. It took quite a few months before I got the IUD and they were some of the scariest of my life. In that time I had to come to the very stark realization that I COULD NOT GET PREGNANT for my safety and for the safety of the child.  I was more unstable that you could possibly understand-those terrible stories you hear of moms snapping and drowning all their kids in the tub- that would be me.

I spent two years accepting the fact that being pregnant could very possibly be the worst thing that could happen in our lives. Then I actually started to get better, which leaves me where I am now.  SCARED OUT OF MY FREAKING MIND!!! 

I belong to a church where the family is central. Unfortunately, the culture tends to focus on babies as the family not the two of you as a couple, so not having kids puts us in a weird place. If I had something medically wrong that meant we were infertile, i could be part of a different sector of supportive couples and families. But what if i am not broken but choose to never try to get pregnant because i am scared of the effect the drastic hormone changes would have on my brain.  Depression isn't really accepted as a good reason for not having a baby and I would never belong anywhere.

Everyone knows someone who has depression and getting pregnant made it better-believe me I have heard stories every time I turn around. But do you have any concept of what a huge gamble that is?  I would be literally betting with my life and the life of my unborn child.  That seems like a price that is just a little too steep for me.

So that leaves me here alone in my own world. I realize that there are lots of options for having a child without being pregnant, but if my body isn't broken, I will never belong with anyone. I will be a chicken to those who have had children, and spoiled/ungrateful to those who can't have children. And that is why I am sitting here hoping that since my ovarian cysts came back a month after having them surgically removed and are painful, that something is actually wrong that will render me infertile, and why Husband and I pray for it. I know that it shouldn't matter what other people think and it is our decision and that  maybe one day I will change my mind, and maybe there are miracles, and maybe I am just ungrateful, but for now the risk and the fear is just too great and I wish I was broken.

Feeling Useless

Which is really sad because it was actually a really good week. It is probably just blahs from doing nothing all day (no, we didn't even go to church-that is just the kind of bad people we are). Oh well, hopefully it will pass and next week will be even better than last.

Love my new job, and I love even more that I have been able to become friends with an old friend again in the last few months. Maybe I should invite her over for dinner. It would give me something to do.......

THIS is why you get a baby first.

 Little Brother called Our Dad last night, I happened to be downstairs watching TV and overheard him telling Dad how he doesn't know how much longer he can stand it here.  Since he was on MY cell phone(he has his own track phone but no job so he can't buy new minutes for it) I decided it was fair to listen to the rest of the conversation.

He went on to tell Dad how bad it is to live here, how we are unreasonable and rude and bad people. (The kicker for me was when he said how bad my depression is for him"she says she is getting better but I guess I just have to take her word, it makes it so hard for me" He doesn't have a clue. I have been better than ever in the last 6 months)

He apparently has 2 new home offers (from moms with teenagers-who somehow take his word as complete truth) Which means he has been telling people who have never even met us how awful we are.

Guess I missed the memo where asking a 17yr old to get a job so he could drive and date made me a bad person.

After have a teenager I have pretty solidly decided to never have children.  I never want another teenager. 

Sure babies are cute and cuddly and make you forget how tired and frustrated you are because they are just so stinking adorable, but it is all a trick.  It has to be that way so that you are already permanently attached when they become teenagers so you can resist the urge to strangle them in their sleep. Puppies on the other hand, stay like cute and cuddly and naughty 2 year olds forever. 

I am gonna stick with dogs.

After Surgery

I am not doing good.

My body is healing fine and that is what most people want to know.  2 cysts are taken out (you can find details on my family life blog) and I am stitched up and healing.
(maybe one day I will write here about my honest feelings on being healthy and fine now that the cysts are gone but today isn't the day.)
I am starting to have some strength back in my abdomen. I can sit up and move without splinting my stomach for the most part which is a huge improvement over a week ago and while I still have really uncomfortable, not really painful but still not good, sensations across my lower abdomen, they aren't constant and they are more annoying than painful.

But my brain is bad.

First off, I have had some good days or at least pieces of days this week, and I am no where near the bad places I have been. but all of this stuff is still packed in and crashing around in my brain causing problems so I am deciding to let some of it out. 

I spent almost a full week in my bed. It was too uncomfortable to sit up for more than about half an hour and having anything touching my stomach was a nightmare.  I spent a week in yoga or sweatpants (I only own 1 pair of each) because I could push them down below my stupid, bulging, bloated, agitated belly so they weren't touching it then I wore loose shirts that, thanks again to that bulging belly, hung out over my stomach so my incisions were out of sight but not being touched. We are seriously talkin people of WalMart stuff. It was bad and I am not a girl who is ok chillin around in sweats all day long so that just made it worse.  

Finally after hitting my limit of feeling nasty I made the executive decision to go buy a pair of maternity jeans-look and feel like i am wearing real clothes, but have and elastic waist that can get pushed below the stupid incisions. It was a huge mood booster(after I made it out of the store without having to tell anyone that I'm not pregnant, just fat) wearing really clothes, and feeling like I look good when I am not allowed to go to the gym to keep trying to work out loose weight to actually look good, was a really big, good step.

 (and the only reason I haven't been in tears all week-I was all day Monday before i bought them)

But, because I looked like a hobo and was super uncomfortable I didn't go to school at all last week. I have actually only been to 1 class THIS week, where I sat having a panic attack so bad that I had to have my phone in hand and text anyone that would text me back about anything in the world just to keep me in the seat for 50 minutes. THAT is another side effect of my crazy brain.  

I was feeling really good about this semester.  Since Christmas time I have been feeling great, getting things done, actually feeling like a person, it has been fantastic. So when the new semester started I set some goals for classes, I wasn't perfect but I was doing pretty well-then surgery.  

Now the problem with missing a week of classes is that no matter how little information I actually missed and how small a deal it actually is, my mind tells me it is all over, it is hopeless, pointless, and I am just-once again- a big fat failure. So missing one week turns into missing two weeks and I end up failing or withdrawing from all of my classes just like I have every semester for the last 3 years. 

Throw feeling like a big fat college failure in with money stress and AGAIN I am questioning my decision to be in school, to keep trying to be in school, to keep feeling like I am smashing my head into a wall. But I am scared to have a job now too, I have become pretty reclusive, not so good with people most of the time. 

 I have heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result-maybe I really am crazy. 

If you haven't noticed, I have a tendancy to get a little irrational and weird at night.

I don't know why I can't sleep.  I start to feel like maybe there is a reason I am awake, then I start to get all freaked out.  Like I am gonna find something incriminating against Husband or something bad is gonna happen.  In reality, it is probably that I just haven't taken any meds that make my brain be calm in a few weeks.  When I was doing the diet drops it seemed ok.  I actually felt better than I did on my Lithium but then I got sick and didn't do the diet for a few days, then I just didn't pick it back up and I am all out of my meds so I just end up restless. I really don't like restless.  Husband gets up for work in 1 hour (yes, at 2:30 am) and I won't be able to sleep once he leaves either, then I am all alone in a dark scary house. Can't do it.  This is a problem.