Sometimes my mind runs away.  I wish I could fix it.  If I get to thinking about anything further ahead than this day or maybe week, I can't stop my mind from running away and I get scared and I start to shut down and I want to run away. I don't know how to make it better. Do I go back to school or do I look for a full time job? If I go to school do I try to work too? I am so scared that everything won't be ok.

Revelation

Food doesn't make anything feel better.  I guess even if I fail at this diet, I am learning some important life lessons.

I don't feel well today

Taking the day off my diet.  I will pick it back up tomorrow.

I'm better now, and still on my diet.  EXTRA gum makes a mint chocolate chip icecream 5 calorie sugar free gum.  I think it will save my sanity. Thank you EXTRA.

today

Today I have a headache and I just want chocolate and might quit this stupid diet and be able to eat cheese and then go jogging. gurrrrrr

About the HCG diet

I was replying to a comment from a friend and it was getting long so I figured I would just make another post to answer all of her questions in my usual over researched, overly opinionated style. You will excuse the lack of brevity.

Here is what she asked:
Did you research it ahead of time? Is it healthy? Expensive? I must say that I don't remember you having that much weight to lose. But, awesome job

I have been researching the diet since October. My dad recommended it to me because he works with(and is good friends with) a chiropractor who markets it because his wife was able to lose a ton of weight and has kept it off.  I had heard about it before and thought it sounded bogus so I was really skeptical but I trust my dad so I decided to actually look into it.  Research online is hard because most of what you will find are junk stories and people who know nothing about the diet telling you that it is unsafe, unhealthy, stupid, and that you are lazy for even considering it and to get up off your computer and move.  I get where they are coming from and yes exercise and eating right are always the best options for long term weight management and health but I am someone who needs results now if I am going to do anything(another byproduct of my weird mind) not to mention my still healing sprained ankle makes a lot of exercise difficult.

So I went to the source. There are two big publications about the HCG diet, Pounds and Inches by Dr. A.T.W. Simeons and The Weight loss Cure They Don't Want You To Know About by Kevin Trudeau.  Pounds and Inches is the original publication by the original Dr. who was working with patients that were, obese, had hormone imbalances or abnormal fat deposits that they could not fix no matter what they tried, and he found that the administration of the HCG hormone in combination with a very low calorie diet was able to improve their condition drastically and patients were able to maintain their weight loss with ease. This book/manuscript details his findings, and lays out his protocol for the diet.  It really is an interesting paper, some of it has to be taken with a grain of salt because it was written in the 50's but overall the concept is intriguing.

I didn't read anything written by Trudeau, because he is one of the things that anti HCG people dig at too. He was jailed on felony fraud charges.  So I didn't even bother with him. But I did learn that all he did in terms of HCG is basically republish Dr Simeons findings, which is why mainstream America knows about it today. 


Pounds and Inches made a lot of sense so I decided to go with it. I was doing a little more reasearch online and found this that I thought was fantastic. He is disputing the claim that the FDA hasn't approved HCG as a weight loss drug:

"It is the 500 Calories Diet that causes you to lose the weight, and the hcg Tells your body what weight to lose, the subcutaneous body fat and the HCG works with the adrenals, thyroids and other glands to stop you from being hungry, and to raise your metabolism."
http://whenhealthmatters.wordpress.com/2010/12/17/why-is-hcg-not-fda-approved-for-weight-loss/


 As far as whether or not it is healthy, I think it is.  I know it isn't healthy for a person to eat only 500 calories a day typically, but, that is where the HCG hormone comes in.  It works best for me to think of it in terms of a pregnant woman in her first trimester(or any other time she is so sick she can't keep any food down) because HCG is what a womans body naturally produces as soon as she is pregnant.  Under normal circumstances there would be no way that baby could survive much less thrive while mom is throwing up everything she eats. Because the body makes HCG though, if mom isn't consuming enough calories to maintain her and baby, the HCG tells the body to pull its nutrients from moms fat stores to feed baby.  So even though mom is feeling like crap and maybe loosing weigh, baby is growing healthy and strong.  So if you remove the pregnancy from the picture, HCG is telling your body to burn up your extra fat stores because the calories that you are taking in aren't enough by themselves to support you. It made sense to me. Also, because the HCG triggers the release of stored fats, your body DOES have the amount of nutrients it needs so you shouldn't feel tired or crabby like most of us do when we just don't eat.  
Personally, I feel fantastic.  I have had more energy, been more motivated, been happier.  I do get a little hungry, but I figure that a little hungry is a part of every diet, I am retraining my mind an body to be fine and dandy on less food than it is used to, so a little hungry is ok with me.  


As far as expense is concerned, my dad called in a favor and got me a 6 week supply drops and a cookbook, so my experiment didn't cost me anything. But the drops are relatively inexpensive.  Here is a link to the Chiropractors website, Lighthouse Chiropractic, Dr Shane Harada
I would be totally skeptical of buying things like this online, but I know Dr. Shane personally, he has been a family friend for years now.  My dad works with him and my brother in law is doing all of his marketing. Another reason I decided to try the diet, I trusted my source and knew I could go back to him if I had a problem or concern. Some people say that the homeopathic drops aren't as effective and you should definitely go to the doctor to get them, I don't know.  I have homeopathic drops and it works for me.

I have put on about 60 lbs in the last 2 years, and in a little more than a week I have lost almost 10. My favorite thing about this diet, honestly, is that it is teaching me that I can make fantastic, delicious, totally healthy meals with very few ingredients, and I don't have to listen to my cravings, I will be just fine, and feel fantastic.  I don't know if it is the "weight loss cure" it is sometimes touted to be but I know that for me it is changing my body and mind in a completely positive, healthy way and I couldn't be happier.

One week on HCG

After 1 week, I have lost 7.5 lbs, 8 inches, and feel better than I have in a really long time.  I'm sold.

Conundrum

When a certain person only brings frustration into your life and makes you feel like you are completely worthless and evil every time you speak, should they be allowed to continue being a part of your life? What if they are family?

I had a friend tell me once that she didn't care who someone was, if they were crappy human beings they weren't a part of her life and that included family.  I really like that idea but unfortunately I can't completely shun my mother. I have Little Brother at my house and that, unfortunately, ties me to her. Especially since I called her out on not even trying to help us out with him while taking money from my dad and saying it supported him right along with the other siblings.  (I have gotten $25 a month since, better than nothing, but still laughable)

I honestly think she is a selfish, lying bitch, and she treats me like I am a bad person(and maybe I am but I took a kid she didn't want off her hands, at the risk of my own marriage, and he is doing better here than he ever has.) I wish that I could just say good bye and have nothing else to do with her for the rest of my life.  But I guess, at least until Little Brother is 18, I have to maintain some contact with her. Dang it!

The first day of the rest of my life

Gonna catch hell from someone, I am sure of it, but tomorrow I am starting the HCG diet.  Before you say anything, just know if you have anything bad to say I will ignore and delete you. I have been researching this diet for 3 months now and feel like it is a good thing for me and I know EXACTLY what I am doing. I am really excited, I really have nothing to lose.  Here we go!

I Want...

I want to become a runner. How do you do that? 
I have never been athletic at all but I have always kinda wanted to be. I have always struggled with my weight and I don't want to anymore.
So today my question into the void is, How do I become a runner? 
What do runners do when it is snowy and icy outside? What do I do to get started? (I am REALLY out of shape) And, how do I stay motivated to keep running? 

Any suggestions, answers or advice are more than welcome.

Thanks
Mrs. S

Enough whining. Now for a real question.

Don't you hate it when your husband does something really really stupid right before a special event. Yeah that was my Thanksgiving/his birthday.  He was brainless like boys can be and made me really mad then we spent the day at his parents. Let me rephrase, I spent the day at his parents alone with his parents pretending everything was good, while he was off playing. The only bright side, his parents laughed when they found out I was mad at him because, even though they didn't know why, they were pretty sure he deserved it. They know him well :D  Oh being married, wonderful and awful all rolled into one (somehow they forget to tell you about that awful part though, go figure.)

Now, on to the thought that kept me up last night. Maybe someone has some insight.

Recently I have been considering, quite a bit, this person I have become and how it came to be. I realized that I am completely apathetic to most things and angry about the rest.  How does one become this way. 
Now, not many people who may read this knew me 3 years ago so I guess you will just have to take my word for it that I was bright, bubbly, enthusiastic, motivated, outgoing, determined and a perfectionist. I got things done and made things happen. 
These days I find that I am jaded, angry, apathetic, reclusive, prone to failure and content with that. I didn't ever have any specific life goals, it was more of a general help people be happy and make a difference idea but now I just don't care. I hide in my house, or in the back of the classroom wishing time away. I hide from people, even those who could be friends.  And, I find that the more I am this way, the more weight I gain(yes I binge) and the more weight I gain the more insecure I am and the more I withdraw.
You probably are saying that my answer is right there, it is all just insecurity. While I do whole heartedly agree that that is a huge factor, I think it is something else as well. What made the change in the first place?
I guess it was probably a slow transition- moved to a new town and was invisible because I knew no one and was shy so then I just stayed invisible, feeling like a no one?  (maybe if I had a Camille when I moved to this place everything would have been different?) I tried but I couldn't be everything I was "supposed" to be, the best wife, the best student, the best employee, all at the same time (I think this played a huge role in spurring the depression) so I just decided that everyone fails at things and I could too, but since I basically must give everything all or nothin, I failed at everything? 
Then at the same time Husband is changed too. He doesn't hope like he did, doesn't laugh like he did, isn't excited about life like he was. Did I break him too?  Is all of it my fault? Or have we just been dealt a really hard hand? (I know other people have lots of hard things too but a lot of the time I feel like we always have lots of really hard things that most people don't have, maybe I am just not as good at dealing with them) If it is just lots and lots of hard things, how do we get back up from being kicked so hard so many times? I think we have almost given up. We used to believe in good things, now we just believe that something worse could come and probably will.

I know that we can't go back, as much as I would like to, we can only go forward. I know that because of the experiences and struggles that we have had we will never be those same starry eyed 20something newlyweds but can we ever get back hopeful? happy? motivated? ambitious? Or did I break us?

Leave it to me to be the one person in America pissed as hell on this Thanksgiving day.  Oh and it is Husbands birthday and  i don't even want to look at him.  Been up since 2:30 am not seeing any possibility of sleep in the near future.

Happy holidays.

Calm amidst the storm

Today I am grateful.
It has been a while since I have been really truly grateful or really believed that that the kind and loving God that is so often spoken of in church and by friends and who I once had a very close relationship with still existed or cared that I existed. 
I think it started because of the depression, I felt like I couldn't do enough to make God happy with me, and over the years it has become much worse. I offer not-heartfelt prayers because I knew God didn't want to hear from me anyway. I only did it because I was supposed to and I respect the fact that he could make things in my life so much worse. God didn't care about me, I was bad and nothing I could do could make it better.  I stopped trying hard to be good because it didn't matter anyway. If I was good, awful things happened. If I wasn't so good, awful things happened. Why bother making myself more sick trying to please a being that would not be pleased. It wasn't worth it and I didn't have the energy. 
It has been this way for a long time now, my heart kind of frozen against anything I used to be; happy, spiritual; creative, all of it. Even with the medication that has slowed my mind and helped me drastically, I am still not that girl. I am jaded, cynical, "realistic". 

Then there was last night.

I ran out of my lithium prescription and haven't been able to get my refill. With a lot of drugs this isn't a problem but the lithium has basically no half life. If you don't take it one day, you aren't ok. Actually, if you are like me and take it twice a day, if you only take it in the morning, you don't sleep because your mind won't stop. This is what happened yesterday. It is hard to explain what my mind does without the lithium, it is like a spinning carnival ride that is ok at first but just gets faster and faster and keeps going and going and you are starting to get sick but you can't make it stop and you don't know when it will stop or if it will ever stop.  I was laying in bed, not feeling well, sick husband, stressed out about school and a wedding cake and I felt that ride switch on. And laying there in bed I said loudly,"Heavenly Father, My mind won't stop and I can't do this anymore. Please make it go away!"

And it did. The ride stopped.

I have begged and plead for 2 1/2 years for all of it to go away and nothing and in that moment last night when I couldn't handle it anymore I found my God again.  I found the God that cares that I am here and wants to help me, who loves me when I feel so alone and understands when I am broken and there is no one who can help. I found the God who loves me even with my broken thoughts and spinning mind and messy house. A God who thinks I AM good enough.

And for that, today I am grateful.

Distance

It is interesting that the only people I feel inclined to share any part of my life with right now are the ones who are going through really really crappy hard things. (aka similar situations to my own)

Why?

Because then I don't have to listen to their cheery little faces talk about their happy little bright shiny lives and tell me that everything will be better if I am patient and positive and blah blah blah.

I am not a naturally negative person, I have tons of faith, tons of gratitude and even in all of my crappy situations, can more often than not find a good side. Sure I could have more patience but I am human and I really handle hard things better than a lot of people would.

I didn't tell you that I am not working right now and that makes money tight, or I sprained my ankle badly and now I can't walk or do anything, or that I can't keep up with the amount of food that Little Brother consumes on a daily basis because I wanted you to feel bad for me or because I wanted your all knowing input on why the state of my soul is causing all of my problems.  I told you because you asked and you are my friend and I don't like to lie.

So if I seem a little distant, maybe just maybe I am sick and tired of the well meaning fixing.

(this is not in anyway a reflection on any comments I have recieved from this blog, I appreciate all of your insights, advice and comments. It is some of the responses I get from "real life" that I cant really handle.)

(on a lighter note: I was just telling Husband how interesting it is that the only things that has been stable around here lately is my mind (thank you Lithium!) and how ironic it is that after 2 1/2 years of fighting to get my brain stable, we finally start to get there and the rest of our life falls to pieces...that Man Upstairs certainly does have some sense of humor.)

Its too bad I'm not good enough.

Agency

Recently I have really begun to feel the effects of the choices of other people in my life and most often those effects are heartbreaking.  While I could choose to talk about my good husband and his choice to take a new job that has him home every evening (something that has never happened before in our marriage) or my good friends choice to help me build a website for my new cake company (hooray!), in reality, the choices of others that often have the most profound effect are the ones that hurt us whether they mean to or not.

I am not looking for sympathy, I would never ask that, but maybe more for validation and advice. Two recent situations come to mind most readily:

First, Husband and I have a wonderful friend who has lived with us on and off when she needed to for the last year.  We all get along famously and we have so much fun with her. However, she has had a man in her life on and off for this year that Husband and I abhor. Literally. We think he is disgusting and terrible for her. She however adores him and none of what we tell her can convince her that she needs to just let him go. So a little over a week ago, we made her choose between him and us.  She chose him (we knew she would) and took all of her things and left. It really was quite amicable, I respect the fact that she feels she needs to follow her heart even if I don't agree with where her heart is pointing her and do not wish her any ill. And likewise, she understands that because of the quasi parent roll that Husband and I play in her life it would be a constant fight if she were to stay and I can't have that feeling and tension in my home.   And all of the sudden, a friend who I have spent almost everyday with for the last year is just gone. We are kind and more than civil but that is all. She knew how I felt and chose what she was going to do, but still I wonder, did I make the wrong choice, was my judgement too harsh?  Maybe you can only understand if you knew how hard I have worked to get rid of the unnecessary drama and frustrations in my life to keep my sanity and peace. But then again, maybe that is just a cop out.

Situations 2 and the one that I am the most bitter about (just to avoid hurting so much I can't breathe).
I have mentioned before that my parents are getting a divorce. I realize that most people think this shouldn't effect me because I am an adult, out of the house for quite a few years, married, family of my own and maybe if I was like my sister it wouldn't bother me but I am not. I am too opinionated, too vocal, too outspoken.  I disagree with how my mother is handling the situation.  I don't have a problem with the fact that she doesn't want to be married to my dad anymore, saw that coming years ago. The problem that I have is that she has mental health issues that she refuses to address that negatively impacted her marriage and her children (every one of us that is out of her house has been to counseling to overcome issues brought on by how she treated us-that's 4 kids) Don't get me wrong, my mom is a good mom.  I have a lot of good memories, but she is only a good mom until you are about 15. After that she doesn't know how to deal with you anymore. ( I am struggling to correct a lot of the feelings that Little Brother (17) has about himself and life as we speak).  The big problem here is that there are still 3 more kids. Yeah they are doing a lot better since Dad moved out- Mom isn't constantly pissed and evil- that would make any kid be better but what happens when they are teenagers if she won't get help and she REFUSES  to get any help.  For 2 years I have been trying to get her to go to a counselor. (not just because I think she has depression (which she has been diagnosed with before) but because she has a past full of abuse of all kinds and honestly doesn't know how to connect in healthy relationships). So here is my problem, if I say anything (and really now since I have in the past said some things to the affect of her getting counseling) I don't have a mom. She won't speak to me and honestly I have no desire to talk to her so I do realize that I am partially at fault in the situation but,

What do you do without a mom?
What if I had a baby one day?
Sure I have a wonderful mother in law, but what does a girl do without a mom?

A New Beginning

I know this is probably bad to broadcast in the wide expanse of the Internet but as of 9am today I found myself without a job. I loved my job, I learned so much and helped a lot of people. It was a mutual decision on the part of my employer and myself and works best based on my schedule and their needs but at the same time, it leaves me reeling just a little bit.

I have worked at the same job for the last 2 1/2 years.  I have worked there since a month after we moved here, since a month after we got married.  In fact looking back, besides still having the same husband (somehow, I am lucky) the only thing in my life that hasn't changed drastically in the last 2 years is that I go to the same job everyday.

In one sense I am relieved, I needed a change. But, on the other hand, I don't do too well with change.  I am hopeful that I have learned a enough in the last 2 years that I can just glide through this without stumbling too hard. 

This all does add up to one more new adventure though.  All my life I have loved making cakes and this is presenting me with the perfect opportunity to actually start a business selling them.

Wish me luck!


Mrs. S

Super Mommy Stress

So I am not technically a mommy, I don't have kids but my puppies are my babies. They are the most spoiled rotten things you will ever meet and I love them more than anything. This is why when I came home from church yesterday expecting to be greeted by this little face...........

And found this one instead

I was more than a little concerned.  My poor little baby looked like he had gone 10 rounds.  After noticing the irony of my boxer puppy looking like he had just gotten out of the ring I called the vet. 

As per the doctors orders I gave him a little Benadryl and some baby Tylenol and things started to get better.  The swelling was going down and he seemed to be acting ok. 

Enter next super stress.  After two hours the swelling came back! I couldn't give him more drugs so I gave him a bath hoping that I could wash off whatever was causing this problem. After both pups got bathed things started to look up again.  I stopped worrying and just let them play in the house for the rest of the day.

Again I though we were in the clear so didn't think anything of putting them out to go potty before bed. Bad plan. Pups were out for 5 minutes and when Baby came back in the other eye was starting to swell and he had HIVES!

We guessed that they had played in the old carpet pad we had just pulled out of the house and that is sitting on the trailer in the backyard waiting to go to the dump and that Baby was having an allergic reaction to something in or on it so they spent the day in the front yard today (they are primarily inside dogs but we are doing some crazy remodeling in the house and didn't want to be tripping on them) But I can't win I swear!  Baby pup walked in this evening covered again in HIVES.  He has been bathed twice in the last 24 hours, he has gotten Benadryl every 8 hours like the Dr said and he has on a different collar just in case the other one had something on it. I don't know what he is allergic to and I am freaking out!

Vet in the morning.

I HATE that I can't help my baby.

Catching Up

It has come to my attention that I actually have a few people who read this blog, and while in theory I shouldn't care if anyone is reading or not because it is jsut a spot for me to vent, it really really makes me feel good when people do read and can relate. It makes all of the things I deal with seem to have some small purpose.  So feeling renewed in my purpose in beginning this blog here are some of the latest goings on in my life.

At the suggestion of my Bishop(church leader) I went back to the doctor to readdress the issue of balancing my mind with the help of medication. After 45 minutes the doctor decided(saying all the while that she wasn't really qualified to make this diagnosis- unsettling much?) that she thinks I am dealing with borderline bipolar and now I am taking Lithium, a mood stabalizer. We will see how that goes.
Personally I think that it is more my hormones than my mind but time will tell I guess.

We had a lot of long discussions and decided that Little Brother could stay with us. He has actually become really helpful in the last few weeks. He has dug trenches, helped Husband tile my dining room and he washes the dishes.  It is still an adjustment but I think things are going to be ok.

Today is not a good day.

Cupcake Company!

I posted pictures of cakes that I have made in the last few years on Facebook and a random stranger asked me to make her wedding cake! She loved my cupcake tower and actually wants to BUY a cake from me!  I am super excited and terrified all at the same time.  Can I actually sell cakes?! Can I handle that?

Scared and excited!

Mrs. S

Meds or not?

I have clinical depression.  After a year of counseling and at the suggestion of my counselor, I saw a doctor to see about getting on medication.  I was perscribed Fluoxetine and have been on it for a year and a half.  The thing is I am on a pretty high dose and I don't really feel like it is doing the whole job.  So like a very bad patient I weaned myself off of the meds to see how I can function on my own now that I am doing things I like in school and we have our own home ( owning home = having my own space and less worries).  After a month of being completely unmedicated I feel the same. Honestly I feel a little happier but I am scared. 

I have been in really scary bad bad places mentally in the last two years and I really don't want to go back there.  Even on the meds I was frequently sucidal ( I have had less thoughts of self harm/ suicide since I have been off of them).  I do however still have not awesome days, I am happier and don't really feel like my lows are any lower than they were on the meds.

So I guess my question for the cosmos is do I try this semester of school without meds and just see how I do? Or do I go talk to my doctor and see if there is some other drug that can make the lows totally go away?

 I have never tried anything else because when I went in after a year to talk to my doctor again to tell her that I was still having suicidal thoughts and she was not available.  I ended up talking to a PA who totally ignored me when I said I was struggling and actually perscribed me excessive amounts of the drugs (like a 3 month supply at once) I actually had to sign them over to a friend so they were out of my house so I didn't overdose-I could have died 6 times with the amount of pills I got in one perscription refill.  Needless to say I don't really think that drug was working for me.

What do I do now? Any ideas?

conflicted

I have a struggle of late that I don't know how to handle.  I have recently acquired a 17 year old child in my home.  My brother.  We have been playing with the idea of letting him stay with us not just for the summer but for his senior year. however, I just dont' know if that is going to work out.

Here is my dilemma, he and my husband don't really get along which make things difficult for me.  It means that Mr. S and I fight more often and always seem to just have this tension floating around.  I feel like I am always in the middle of a fight between the two of them.
And I don't know how much I can trust Little Brother.  I think he is a good kid but a few less than squeaky clean things have happened in my home in the last few weeks and while I can't pin them on anyone for sure, I do know Mr. S better and he knows what I will and will not tolerate in my home and the consequences to him for violating my trust are much more severe.  

What do I do? The scary sad part is our mom doesn't want Little Brother back. (parents are in the middle of a divorce and dad has no place for a kid) She would take him don't get me wrong but it would be grudgingly and that just makes me feel bad-especially since she has 3 other kids at home still.  I don't want him to feel like he isn't wanted, but I can't handle the constant frustration in my home. 

Will things get better when school starts for him? Do I trust him? Do I give him a really short leash?  Do I just send him home for the sake of my sanity and marriage?  I don't know how to raise a teenager, especially one who is mostly raised, I only have dogs.....................

Help?

Success!

I spent all day on Friday making cupcakes for my sister in laws wedding.  I made 150 in 3 hours then I made two 6 in round layers for the cake top.  I made them all from scratch-6 batches of cake batter!

But look how cute and round they came out!

 (this was the second batch, I had to do some recipe tweaking to make them cute like this)

This is 81 of the 150.  The top of my portable dishwasher was completely covered!

The next project was to transport them all 45 minutes to my inlaws.....

out of the 150 about 130 survived the trip.  I tried to make more when I got there but I can't cook anything in my mother-in-laws gas oven so the 2 dozen I tried to make turned into a bowlful of crumbs.

After a lot more expirementing, I figured out the right frosting and the right technique to get them frosted cute and swirly.

Here are my practice ones on the stand my husband made for me to display them on

Saturday morning I spent 4 hours frosting the rest of my cupcakes. My arm was so tired. I am not sure if it was lucky or not but I was using a cookie press.  It was nice because all I had to do was push a button and swirl it but at the same time I could only frost 5 at a time before having to refill it. 

Whether it was worth it or not, after 4 hours and 8 batches of buttercream frosting I had them all done.

After the wedding I had to set up the cake for the reception.  It took longer than I anticipated but in the end I think it was worth it.

What do you think?

a closer view of the flowers

I think it was worth all of the work.  It was exactly what she wanted and I did survive. 

Maybe one day I will consider actually trying to get paid for cakes.

We will see......

200 Cupcakes

I am making a wedding cake. A wedding cupcake tower to be exact. I might lose my mind before it is complete.

A new day. A new beginning

For quite some time now, I have been thinking about starting a blog where I could write about my joys and struggles as I try to live the most "normal" life possible while dealing with sometimes overwhelming depression.  For some reason, today felt like the day so now I find myself here. I don't have any idea if anyone will ever read this or if it will do any good but I guess that is something we will just have to wait to find out. I plan to be very honest, open and real.

I have fought -against my mind- for my life for the past two years and am now beginning to see light in the tunnel (notice that I didn't say at the end). I know I still have a long way to go and maybe the depression will never totally go away but I like to believe that everything comes into our lives for a reason and maybe the reason I have been to the depths of hell and darkness in my mind is for you.

So if this is for you, "come along for the ride" and hopefully this will something we can overpower and  overcome together.

Mrs. S